You Never really get to know what’s going on in someone's head. You Can’t see it. It’s invisible. Manifesting itself distinguishably to different people. If it has, then you know…how it feels.

To me it came like a ghost holding me captive to these dark thoughts, transforming my room into the darkest you've probably never been to. I wanted to be alone, alone to myself and to dark thoughts. Thoughts I could seem to brush off, too intrusive, demanding the whole of me to itself.

Engulfing me.

Chaining me.

Enslaving me.

Imprisoning me.

I became a prisoner to thoughts. Thoughts of worthlessness, guilt, shame, regret, disappointment and ironically loneliness when it's all I wanted. So I locked myself in, alone, pushing everyone away. I wanted to be alone.

Talking wore me out, and I ignored any form of communication. Even saying good morning quenched the little energy left in me. I avoided my pals, moving around the house with a discomforting air of silence. Silence became a shield, I so well guarded myself with. I talked less and less as days raced by. To every “how are you” question, I lazily stated that I was fine, sometimes ignoring the question itself. Irritated by the audacity of the questionnaire, as if it wasn't obvious, I wasn't fine.

I felt neglected, when I isolated myself from the world. Afraid that they would see through me and point out my mess, the mess I was so drowning and choking in, threatening my sanity, pushing me to depths I never thought I'd walk.

It grew darker by day, and so did my thoughts. At times I felt suicidal, tolerating the thoughts of ending my own life. I saw no meaning in living, everything I once cherished and adored became meaningless. At times I'd hold a knife to my tummy, but never got the courage to end living. I hated that I couldn't do it, when I so badly wanted to. I wanted it to come to an end. I was tired of living, living drained me. I couldn't take another day. Yet with each day I was forced into living. Then I thought of burning myself with a lighter, other times I thought of cutting myself and at times I'd stab myself with a pen.

I felt sad, my whole being trapped in sadness, sadness became a part of me, till I forgot what it felt like to be happy. The laughter of my friends not only annoyed me, but also irritated me to the core. My situation felt urgent, like I had just been in a terrible accident and needed to be operated on, with blood gnashing from every part of my being. Yet no one sees. You just don't see it. I also never saw it coming, till I was deeply trapped in my own thoughts robbing me of logic and giving me up to enslaving emotions. Emotions that threatened to rip my heart apart, till I could feel no more.

I then resorted to sleeping. I slept the better part of the day. At night my thoughts robbed me of sleep, leaving me at the mercy of Insomnia. I barely slept at night, most of the time past midnight. I never wanted to leave bed, all I wanted was to sleep. I barely ate, and so did I neglect my personal hygiene. I constantly missed baths over the days, opting for the comfort of my bed. I never went out, I detested going out. I hated the contrast of the bright days and the dark world that I had wrapped round my head. Sleep became a utopian world I would constantly slip into, away from the dark thoughts.

I slept. Till my back started aching. I never cared.

I shifted to watching. Escapism. Binge watching, spending a better part of the night glued to the screen till my eyes hurt, still I never cared. I'd watch on and on, oblivious of my screen time and tears would roll from my eyes, yet I never stopped. I wanted something to keep me busy, away from the reality of my thoughts…

In the meantime I sank in and in, to never recognise the person I was slowly but surely revolving into. I looked scary and unkempt, though more scared within. Afraid of my own evolution. I knew it was just a question of when, before the worst would unfold. Part of my being knew beyond reasonable doubt that I needed help. A fact that I couldn't come to terms with.

Then, I swept everything under the rug, put on a smile, talked and moved on like nothing really happened, like it was well when the worst kept going. I laughed really hard, then it dawned on me that I hadn’t laughed in such a long time. Yet I can't tell whether this was genuine or not, cause I got good at masking it all. Getting good at pretending that I am fine, to avoid having to explain why am not cause at times I barely knew the reason why. All I do is feel, feel, feel myriads of emotions choking life out of me. Many a times I can't seem to put into words how I feel or rather what's wrong.

Then how could I be helped? How could you help me? When I can't help myself.

So I bottled it all up.

I just wanted to be, to be left alone. I convinced myself that everyone had their own problems, that I had to deal with mine alone. I kept to myself, shouldering the whole baggage, whilst it robbed me of life.

I endured. I persevered. I held on.

Determined to work it all out. Alone. Wasn't going to pull anymore into my mess.

I am a mess! Beware! Keep off!

Aware of what I am going through; Anxiety! Depression! But I am slowly picking myself up. Yet in all this I have been kept by the grace of God and am glad that even in my worst of times He still loves and cares for me. For moments I do pray for help, because as days pass by I am confronted by the fact that I need help and I can't do it all by myself. I ADMIT.

I look up to God, and whisper yet another prayer; HELP me.

HELP!

Comments (10)

• Kenah

  November 3, 2025

  From a long-standing ping with no reply to finally establishing a full, unbreakable TCP connection (They Call it Friendship 😉). This is a beautiful case of organic API compatibility. No bugs detected!

  😂1(1)

  👍 React

• Dani Philemon

  October 29, 2025

  Your vulnerability is your strength, not your weakness. Keep unfolding, you're not alone.

  👍 React

• Papiiiii

  September 23, 2025

  First, take a deep breath and remember you are fully known and deeply loved by God. You can hide your struggles from others, but you are always safe and seen in His care. And remember, it's okay to reach out. Sharing your heart with a trusted person can be a beautiful way to experience God's comfort and support here on earth. You are not meant to walk this path alone.

  ❤️1(1)

  👍 React

• David Kahara

  September 23, 2025

  We should all ADMIT we can't do it all by ourselves Our pals should be empathetic to be able to see the real us

  ❤️1(1)

  👍 React

• Susan Nancy

  September 21, 2025

  It’s all good . A day at a time. I believe in the version that if you allow .. it gets better and better everyday

  ❤️1(1)

  👍 React

• EJ

  September 21, 2025

  This is so raw and heartfelt. It really shows the struggles people go through but find hard to talk about. It’s a reminder of how much empathy and support matter. Honestly, it’s so relatable and gives hope that even in the darkest times, reaching out and holding on can make a real difference.

  ❤️1(1)

  👍 React

• MeMo

  September 21, 2025

  Reading this felt like a gentle wake-up call. The writing is beautiful and so real. It made me pause, reflect, and remember that no matter how heavy life gets, there are always people who care, so just open up✨.

  ❤️1(1)

  👍 React

• Nancy Agwena

  September 21, 2025

  First and for most put God first in every thing God hears and know every thing we are going through you can hide whatever you are going through from Human being u can't hide from God...and also feel free to share what u are going through to the person you trust you never know God can send His help through your trusted person.

  ❤️1(1)

  👍 React

• Odhiambo Jack

  September 21, 2025

  So touching. Sometimes opening up to someone you trust us also considered as a win!. You are a victor! So normalise opening up.WIN!

  ❤️1(1)

  👍 React

• Lucy Okumu

  September 21, 2025

  You never really know...until you get to know. #Your empathy allows you to see people as they are.

  👍 React