Beggar without Shame
by Celli Mboya (CA)
May 23, 2026
I write this at 1:15 am on a Saturday. Having finally gotten some alone time to sit and think after a hectic April and the past few weeks in May.
Meanwhile, I was thinking of that heartbreak. I hadn’t gotten fully over it. Because it was barely a month.
That day! That day I finally decided to cram his number off head, he did it! He broke up with me. It was the sweetest of heartbreaks because there was no depth. But I did grieve for him. I did grieve for him painfully. Because bearing that pain quietly was to dishonor it. So I sobbed at night for a week.
I became a beggar without shame. A beggar wanting to be loved in the right way. I became eggshell careful not to offend. It pained me that I had to coat my thoughts. I had to shell my opinions not to outrage someone’s son. Then I got the courage to make the move. This was a move to block and delete his contact. Although it wasn’t the clarity I seeked. I just knew how it would end. So I decided to take it to the Lord in prayer.
I prayed that maybe one day he would see me. I craved that someday he would choose me. I wished that someday I’ll belong to his world. But none of that came to existence. Not until he showed up at my door demanding a valid reason as to why I had blocked him. Ngl, I did block and deleted his number. But there are those contacts you really don’t want to save but you know them off head. Just like that one crammed bible verse. I had contacted him earlier but I got the usual response. “I’m busy, let me call you back!” I felt desperate. And I was unable to quell my desperation. I wanted to be loved. That old fashioned love where my dreams stay afloat with his and he is loud about me in his circles. I yearned for that.
I did please him. “Just one last time, baby” He’d say and I’d give in to that.
With him I felt hopelessly lacking. I softened and edited the stories I told him about my life and family. He loved hearing about my achievements. So I filtered that. I couldn’t predict his mood when his friends were around. I felt like a contraband. I couldn’t tell if he was unimpressed or irritated or even both. If I only knew how to talk and understand him like his friends. I tried fitting myself in his world but it didn’t feel right. So I called for a closure.
The closure, seeked clarity. It seeked the answers he never wanted to spelt out loud. This was a point of knowing that loving someone right is a problem. He never wanted the ‘us’ in the first place. He just fancied the ‘me’ that was pretty. The ‘me’ that would give ‘good sex’. And the ‘me’ that would be ‘fancied around’ and not build something meaningful.
I’ve learnt that, forever is a word meant for memories and not people. And I fear going back to that phase of life. And I fear that big time. But I’m hoping to meet better people.
I pray that I find the right one.
Share your thoughts?
Comments (14)
Sam
May 31, 2026
You are not alone...we have atleast all of us broken our mojos to accomodate and just to have a feeling of being loved and adored by someone and I say it takes a closure to realise you truely were in love.
Lakaka
May 24, 2026
My take; Loving sb right ain’t the problem; loving the wrong one tho👀
❤️1(1)Rex
May 24, 2026
🔥🔥
❤️1(1)Dan✌️✌️
May 23, 2026
😔🤐🤐
❤️1(1)Faith Njoki
May 23, 2026
Love can be a complicated thing. I pray you find the right one narrator! Good writing!
❤️1(1)Mannuh
May 23, 2026
You will definately get tge right one
😂1(1)Tungwony
May 23, 2026
I believe there is a forever, in this life and currently. You're just not there yet. It will come
😂1(1)🦋Lee🍫
May 23, 2026
Better days are ahead and with time your heart will heal . Choosing yourself ,peace and self-respect does not make you a bad person 🤗🫂
😂1(1)🦋Lee🍫
May 23, 2026
Better days are ahead and with time your heart will heal....choosing yourself, self-respect ,peace does not make you a bad person 🥲🤗🫂
❤️1(1)Jose
May 23, 2026
🥹🥹
😂1(1)Lokumu
May 23, 2026
❤️❤️
❤️1(1)Henry
May 23, 2026
🔥🔥🔥🔥
😂1(1)Stallon
May 23, 2026
This hit differently. Sometimes love makes people shrink themselves just to feel chosen, and that pain is so real. The honesty in this piece is powerful and beautifully written.
❤️1(1)Celli ml
May 23, 2026
This sounds personal but I assure you that it’s not 😂🖐️
❤️2😂2(4)
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