“Emotionally, I wanted to stay. Intellectually, I wanted to leave. As always, I seemed to enjoy punishing myself,” —

This has been me—and anyone who can relate. I couldn't bear the thought of walking out of the toxic narcissistic relationships I had been in. No. Not until they left, that I faced the possibility of me being the problem and not them. I know this is the point where your opinions are aroused or even provoked, hold them for a moment and hear me out.

My ex boyfriends, thoughdistinct, are very much alike, the three of them. I realize that I have been attracting the same pattern of men; emotionally distant, narcissistic and toxic. Not once, nor twice did I contemplate walking away, but over and over again my emotions superseded my logical reasoning. I enjoyed playing victim, too addicted to the torture, that felt familiar and home—trauma bonding they call it.

Lack of self love. If I claim to love myself yet tolerate toxic narcissistic behaviour from a partner, then I am hypocritical in every sense. I need help, NOT as a victim but as the problem. I am the problem, for I chose to settle despite them showing me who they really are. The relationships commenced with intense charm, I was love bombed till I felt like we were a perfect match if not soulmates. They showered me with love to the point of addiction. Then came the discard, devaluation, gaslighting, the abuse. The emotional manipulations made me question the very essence of my existence. I was like I was a piece of trash that could easily be discarded at their disposal. We oscillated from doses of dopamine, to serotonin, to cortisol. Dopamine, serotonin, to cortisol. Dopamine, serotonin, to cortisol. Then the hormonal imbalance. My whole existence was so addicted to the chemical highs of the “honeymoon” phase, that I couldn’t cope with the withdrawal symptoms. I stayed a little longer. I convinced myself that I couldn’t live without them, ours was an intense, addictive bond. I had trauma bonded, turned on survival mode. I felt a desperate need to fix them and win them back, despite their abuse. I believed I could change them, make them love me better.

I chose them, didn't I?

I settled for less, didn't I?

I chose to ignore their flaws, didn't I?

I chose to stay, didn't I?

Yes, I did. Then how can I not hold myself accountable for the heartbreaks that I have been through? I am no one’s victim. I am my own victim. I went through life clothed in the mask of trauma. Till, against all odds and summoning the little courage left in my damaged self, I sought help. Therapy has never been part of my bucket list, out of mind, out of sight they say. Not until my last break up, that healing became my revenge plan, I wanted to rise from the ashes I'd been buried in, in the form of heartbreak. I told myself to ‘Go Heal the Sh*t.’

Relationship hopping was a norm I almost grew accustomed to. My therapist says it's because of fear of loneliness, avoidance of emotional baggage and seeking external validation. I agree, somehow.I've diagnosed myself with autophobia; the fear of being alone. Being in a relationship thus became a default state, identity diffusion. Then there's the constant need for external validation, stemming from inconsistent love while growing up, past abandonment,anxious attachment and self worth tied to being chosen. This was more than a coping mechanism, it was survival with a deep desire to fill the emotional void and baggage. If you’re done with your EX, move one to the NEXT they say. So, I moved one, with my broken self. This was the “airbag” or rather the distraction I needed to sabotagethe grief within. It delayed reckoning, sweeping everything under the rag, bottling it all up, till it exploded.

***

I have come to the evolutionary opinion that seeking healing is one of the greatest acts of self love, and by far the best way to show up in a relationship is not with dirty shoes from traumas, but with a healed self, having done the work. Then, maybe then you’ll attract the right partner, love right and be loved right.

This valentines are sending flowers and gratitude to all my ex boyfriends. I am grateful for the pain, the hurt and most importantly for awakening me to the realization that I was the problem, that I needed help. To heal.

Comments (4)

• Ken Sphinx

  February 26, 2026

  I see healing like a full system upgrade. You don’t plug into a long-term connection while running corrupted files from old trauma. You debug. You patch. You clear the cache. You rewrite the toxic code. Seeking healing is the ultimate self-commit — cllhoosing long-term stability over temporary dopamine hits. It’s refusing to enter a relationship with malware from your past still running in the background. This Valentine’s, flowers are cute… but self-work is the real gift. Because when you show up healed, you don’t just attract anyone — you sync with someone operating on the same frequency. And that’s not luck. That’s intentional design.

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• Okoth Walter

  February 21, 2026

  You are a master of your being by default,but fear substitute this when one subscribes to societal norms yk . Choices got price tags to be a master has a price likewise being a slave.

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• Lokumu

  February 20, 2026

  Go heal darling, don't bleed on people who never cut you.

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• Celli ml

  February 20, 2026

  If your done with the Ex, Move on to the next 😂👀 I feel like most people tend to compare their partners with their Exes. Ohhh he used to do 1 2 3. Ngl I also do that yk. I think I might also sought for therapyyy 🤭🫶🏽

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