“My man wearing his blue apron is the sexiest thing on him. Of course, when he's on the gallery. Flipping pancakes, rolling sausages and pasting butter on the toast. My eyes can only be glued to one region of his body, his CHEST! I don't like it shaved; in fact, if he does it makes me want to assault him.

Have I told you that he fueled his jet to Seychelles? Yes, our jet. I am looking at my bikinis from Andie. How would you land and immediately head to a yacht. What kind of man does that to a girl? Well, I am talking about a man with money, wealthy and not rich. A man who was raised right. A gentleman who arouses the queen in me. Perhaps he qualifies to be my king. He ties my laces. Carrys my purse. Holds my hand in the mall. Pulls out sits and tacks in for me. I buy it but don't spend it on it. I mean, his debit card is mine.”

MY MAN! MY MAN! These are the words from my bestie's mouth.

***

Something awful hits me. For 24 years, I have never seen my now 60 years old dad do any of these things to my 55 years old mum. Wait, but he seemed to know what his roles were, and together they knew who provides, who nurtures, who leads, and who submits. For two decades, these roles were clear. In the past, a win for man was a woman who nurtures, manages his home and take care of the children while for woman was a man who can provide, lead and protect the family. Since most families were based on marriage, they opted for survival rather than happiness.

My father is a college graduate. He was a civil servant for more than 30 years. Generally, we can say he was economically empowered. He would be picked up at 7.30 by staff bus. Until then, breakfast ought to be ready and packed; shoes polished and ready at the door, and his favorite jacket at the chair-arm. Mum would tie his laces, smiling and chin up to his face. She stood behind him letting him into the jacket and rotated to the front for a hug and goodbye kiss.

The undoing happened in the evening. Drop by the staff bus at 7.30pm. He came carrying a shopping bag full of groceries. Received at the door by my mum with a welcome kiss. She untied the shoelaces, removed his socks and walaa! Time for foot washing and massage (Indeed she was like Jesus because these miracles don't happen anymore)

What about my mom? She's a class 2 dropout! She cannot write her name but knows how to count, especially money. She was a stay-at-home mom. A lot of questions arise; was education and employment a battle between different sexes but similar priorities? How can society decide your fate? This is how she ended up to a servant in my father's house. Well not a servant but a helper. That's what the Bible says, Amen!

***

I yearn for those days. Those days when a woman used to be a wife, and men used to be real men. I hate to say that I’m empowered to be the man of the house. And for him? For him he was fathered around to be the woman of the house. Our parents were never wrong in choosing commitment over convenience, responsibility over entitlement, and respect for marriage as an institution. Today, context has changed and roles has changed. Have they? Yes they have.

Priority today is equality in dignity and voice, shared decision-making, freedom to choose based on ability, not gender. Combining the two extremes, we can easily say that progress is not rebellion, but selective wisdom.

In the past, the division of roles offered clarity and stability, but they often exhausted men and silenced women. Today these roles offer freedom and equality, but they often create confusion, competition, and fragile relationships where everyone wants rights but avoids responsibility. We replaced the structure with freedom but forgot to replace it with discipline.

Modern problems require modern solutions, that is what they say...What if just what if the solution of modern problems is from the past? Tafakari ya Omunje!

Comments (7)

• Diana Kiende Muthiaine

  April 27, 2026

  Great piece! There seems to be a big problem when it comes to defining roles in marriage. It really should be simple if in my opinion. Roles should be adopted from either biology or to some extent psychology. Any other role that does not fall under that category can be done by anyone really. On the point of defining what traditional and modern marriages, where does the boundary lie? One can be career inclined and also maintain a family and do some domestic chores. In conclusion, there are a lot of issues in marriage and some are clearly not related to the level of education. Incorporating both traditional and modern aspects of marriage sounds like a good idea in my head😂!

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• Benson Muisyo Kyalo

  April 27, 2026

  Great piece, but I find myself questioning a few aspects of the argument. It’s interesting how the expectations of what a woman should receive in a modern relationship are clearly articulated, yet there’s less emphasis on what she is expected to contribute in return (bestie bestie does not say what she is to the bf or husband or her man, whoever😂😂😂...). This creates an impression—perhaps unintended—of imbalance, where one side’s needs are well defined while the other’s responsibilities remain less clear. The author highlights the mother as a class 2 dropout in the context of a stable, traditional marriage—does this unintentionally suggest that lack of education contributed to the success of that relationship? I’m not convinced that education is the factor that disrupted modern marriages. There are many examples of educated couples who have built stable and fulfilling families, just as there are uneducated households that struggled. It also feels like the piece leans heavily on a single, idealized example. Did the author consider families where both partners were educated and still maintained strong structure and commitment? Without that comparison, the argument risks coming across as somewhat biased. I agree that modern relationships can lack clarity and discipline, but I don’t think the solution lies in romanticizing circumstances where one partner—often the woman—had limited choice or opportunity.

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• Odira

  April 26, 2026

  Great article! We need a system where there's discipline, real commitment over convenience, faithfulness where ine would choose their marriage partner over and over again once in it and responsibility over entitlement. In the current world there are so many people who really feel entitled on what they should get in marriage while they don't really care about the efficiency of the family system or responsibioities. The sanity and sanctity of the marriage institution has been lost in several ways in the current world. While some of the practices in it were retrogressive we have alot to learn from the past and go back to such practices. There are some values that will always be required in marriage no matter how times change: Respect, Faithfulness, submission, responsibility, real commitment, discipline and if that's not enough remember that marriage can only happen between a male and a female - beyond that any other thing is misleading.

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• Faith Njoki

  April 26, 2026

  I think having defined roles like the past might bring clarity and solve the confusion in the modern relationships. But I'll still stand with the fact that it should be flexible not strict, and the two people getting married should define it for themselves, because we are diverse, and have diverse circumstances.

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• Faith Njoki

  April 26, 2026

  I think really I like the mordern shift in relationships, where people, and especially women ( this is sth they didn't have in the past) have the freedom to choose who and when to marry, and the kind of relationship they want to have. I love the fact that there is no a strict, defined way of how it should be done, but two adults in love decide what it mean for them they want to do it. There's no one way to be a "wife" or a "real man". I really love the evolution fr, though I must agree that this freedom has also come with alot of confusion for many young people, you know there's a lot of purposeless dating, complex kinda relationships, lack of commitment etc. The traditional kind of relationship was very detrimental in my opinion, especially to the women. I would really love to hear what you guys think we can copy from past about marriage

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• Waweru Ruiru

  April 26, 2026

  Marriage is a funny institution,the only course where you are given a certificate before you experience and learn, and then learn later after the certificate. Whereas "Past marriages" had their faults including the silencing and demeaning of women or their roles. We have alot to copy and paste from them. The solution to modern marriage problems lie in the removal of archaic marriage practices, not abolition of the "Traditional marriage" practices. Whereas there are

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• Walter Mwatela Kazungu

  April 26, 2026

  Great article, the big question would be, are we ready to get into today's marriage?

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